1. If I like it, its mine
2. If its in my mouth, its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, its mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
5. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If your playing with something and you put it down, its mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2 Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility, (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If its not wet and sloppy, its not a real kiss.

THE FIVE CRUCIAL FOOD GROUPS ACCORDING TO DOGS:

1. In the bowl. (a good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups)
2. Off the table. (most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking)
3. On the floor. (a nutritious way to snack between meals)
4. Grass- Taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on care takers lap)
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after digestion.

RULES FOR DOGS

I will not play tug-of-war with dads underwear while he is on the toilet.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys under the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house to throw up on.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not eat any more dirty socks or underwear and then redeposit them in the processing.

The nappy pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I'm hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining.

We do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on t.v.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither is mom and dad's lap's.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
'hello.'

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across carpet.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, colt,
the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see
a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to
rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and
Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?